Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.

If you feel lonely... dim all lights & put on a horror-movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore

At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they're empty.

"You only live once" is also an equally compelling reason not to do something extreme or stupid.

You never really know if you're over someone until you're in the car and they're in the crosswalk.

I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.

I know I don't look like it but I'm really good looking!

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn't figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn't her grandmother.

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How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...

A new day : the possibilities, endless. the funds, insufficient.

The New iPhone 7 is coming out in August. If you want a sneak peek of the new iPhone. Take a look at your current iPhone and pretend it cost 200 dollars more.

I said I was good at making decisions. I didn't say the decisions I made were good.

"Don't make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.

The only thing I'm really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I'll probably never be able to retire.

I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.

I do 5 sit ups daily. It might not sound like much, but there's only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.

Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...